for kruthi

the first touch
my finger on her palm
that spellbound moment
when i held her in my arms
the smell of her skin
the wonder in her eyes
when she awoke from her dreams
with a face all surprised
and when she looked at me
did she realize
she was the 'precious'
i was awaiting all my life
my heart tore out of me
my mind throbbed
feverish and delirious
at once, i laughed and sobbed.
that moment of truth
i found new meaning to me
this bond had forged for me,
a new reason to be.

waiting for it...

i bought an electric guitar today... an epiphone (ebony) for about 90 dollars. It should reach me in about 5 days. So I should have it with me next Friday... I am waiting for it now. I was putting it off all these days.. but finally I went and got it.
What I will do with it, I dont know. But i think if i am going to be living here for as long as i have planned to, I might as well get it, right?

i think of the time i have been spending here.. away from everyone, away from Kruthi, and i wonder, is it worth it? I dont know if Kruthi will be the same with me when I go back... this time the break has been too long.... and she has grown... with me not being a part of it... she will be a big girl by the time i see her... God! how much I love her..... it fills me up to just think of her.. my baby....

someday, the guitar will be hers.

The Deafening Silence

The silence is making me deaf
With its getting louder each day
There are words spoken every second
But there is nothing they actually say

We speak but no longer from the heart
Meanings are lost in trying to be 'correct'
The truth is disguised in ways so many
The purpose, we conveniently forget!

Language has come a U-turn today
From the desire to express what one feels,
It started its journey to this age and time
Where its every design is to conceal

I yearn for a conversation
Between people who still speak
Barren of hidden innuendos
And which isn't a made-up speech

Have we lost the courage to be true?
Why do we lie to even our friends?
Will we ever begin to really speak again
Or will we stay mute until the end?

Who am I

I sought myself in my mirror one day,
To find out who I am, what I am;
Tried to read those lines hidden in my face,
To feel that energy that drove me in this race,
I looked back at my past
And wondered why I did the things I did
Why I said the things I said!
"Where were these things taking me anyway?"
I thought about that voice in my head
Which spoke words that I never spoke.
Which gave me thoughts I didn't want to think
That voice, which I knew, no one else ever heard!
That voice which I tried, in vain, to ignore,
When it asked me questions I didn't want to know
That voice which never gave a response though,
When I desparately wanted to know.
Looking in the mirror, I asked it again,
"Who are you? And who am I?"
"I am", it said, "'Who you are, the one you want to be...
You are 'what' you are now, the one striving to be like me".

Together Forever..........(?)

The words on many a lover's lips,
Often the prelude to a loving kiss,
Is the promise lovers make to one another.
"You and I will be together forever"

Is that what love means, I wonder...
That lovers should always be together?
That if they don't wake up together each morn
The love that was in their hearts is gone?

What is the future of love?
The "obvious" answer is saying the vows.
"Marriage unites lovers", they say
They become "husband and wife" on that day.

Can love not exist across space?
Does it disappear if not in the same place?
How can love be bound by physical lines,
When it is called a "meeting of minds"?

I'd Rather Be Free

I have wings and I want to fly
But I cannot break free
From the prisons of fear.

I can see the blue skies above
But they are just beyond my reach
'Cause I'm put in a bubble of security.

I can also see the dangers lurking outside
And I know that I could die
But that's a risk I'm ready to take
For the feel of being able to fly.

I want to die, not on the ground
When my wings are tired and weak.
I want to die when I'm in flight
When I'm on the heights of ecstacy,
When my life is mine and I am free......

a cause

I just saw this movie "My Brother... Nikhil". Quite the tear-jerker for me. Its 2.50 am and I am lying here on my bed all swollen eyed and wet faced.
Movies like these, creations of love, an artist's expression made with diligence and honesty. They cannot, but touch you right there in the middle of your heart.
Quite the thought - provoking movie too. I never knew that there were actual laws in India which dictated that an HIV-positive individual was made to live in isolation. I guess, it all stems from ignorance. All these medical conditions, I guess, were all treated this way to start with. It was only with awareness that the outlook of people changed. One person's suffering and one person's struggle to make a wrong right, redeems a whole generation after...
i have to think about this more.

che

blessed he is,
who has freed his soul
who knows his reasons,
and has found his truth.
for he has seen the dawn,
the end of the black night,
whilst i sleep with restless dreams
wandering the dark hours,
searching, groping in illusions
for something i am clueless about
a sojourn of the spirit
into the realms of reality
the razor's edge
that will sharpen the senses,
and steer my ship
into horizons endless;
that journey of courage
i need to make
that leap of faith
i have to take now
to cross this chasm
of what is empty
and what could be
the story of me.